How To Support Loved Ones With Depression
And What Not To Do
I’ve hesitated to post this — I mostly write to get my thoughts out — but if it can benefit others who have depression and friends of those who are depressed be more helpful, it’s worth it. Not least, I also want to acknowledge those who’ve really shown up for me and listened. Thank you.
I used to discuss my struggle with depression just with close friends, but I’ve realized that taking mental illness out of the shadows benefits those who suffer. Given how common depression is, I no longer feel the need to hide it, yet I often feel alienated. Over the last six weeks or so, I’ve been having a hard time. There are triggering factors, but even if I can rationally explain why I’m depressed, the feeling is still there. My deep sadness is compounded by the brutality of the Israel/Palestine war and other world events. We are living in dispiriting times.
I’ve shared how I’m feeling with several people. I know they care about me, and some have been comforting. But, to make me feel better, others have offered advice, suggestions, and prescriptions that have made me feel worse. So, here are a few do’s and don’ts that you might want to keep in mind if you have a friend or relative who is depressed or anxious.
Do not send people your beliefs on religion, spirituality, death, or suicide, especially if you know they do not share your views. While your convictions might work for you, please don’t assume they will resonate with anyone else. Emotional jihadism does not help people; on the contrary, it might make them feel more alone. Someone sent me a poem about suicide the other day, which was incredibly inappropriate. First, when someone says they are despondent, that doesn’t mean they are suicidal. Most people who are depressed just want to feel better, not take their lives. That’s not to say that depressed people don’t have suicidal thoughts, but there is a difference between not wanting to be in pain and wanting to be dead. When I received the poem, I let the person know I didn’t appreciate it, and instead of apologizing and making me feel heard, he was defensive and tried to rationalize his intent. Impact matters, not intent.
Don’t use words like weak, strong, fragile, or unstable; they are loaded with judgment. Being depressed doesn’t mean you are weak, and not suffering from depression has nothing to do with emotional strength. On the contrary, I think people with mental health struggles are often stronger because we’ve been through so much. The last thing you want when you’re feeling shitty is to feel judged. And when I say don’t use these words, that includes using them behind the person’s back. Removing them from your vocabulary might help shift your thinking.
Suggesting how people can get out of their “funk” or take actions to better their lives, especially when they are feeling really shitty, is counterproductive. If you’re suffering, it makes you feel unseen. If someone tells you your words or behavior makes them feel more isolated, don’t make it about you by saying, “I’m a terrible person.” If you listen and refrain from thinking you know best, people will feel acknowledged, and sometimes that can be very comforting. There is no quick fix to depression, no just “getting over it” or suggestions that will magically change everything. Some people have a “fix it” personality, but you can’t fix another person’s life or psyche.
Also, be careful about saying, “I know how you feel,” even if you struggle with depression. The circumstances that lead to a depressed period are different for everyone, so no, you don’t know exactly how someone else feels. You can say, “I deal with depression, and it sucks. Do you want to tell me how you’re feeling?” There may be some commonalities, and knowing that someone out there gets it might make a person feel less alone, but don’t take that for granted.
You can do things that might temporarily cheer someone up and give them faith in humanity by being compassionate and making them feel heard. You can ask questions that show you care, such as, “Would a distraction help?”, “Do you want to talk, go for a walk, or simply say, “Is there any way I can support you?” You can also ask them if they need assistance finding mental health resources because depression often affects motivation and energy. See if they need help with groceries, going to the pharmacy, walking their dog, or running errands. Little tasks can seem like a huge burden when you’re depressed.
The other day, I got a call from friends in London. Usually, we make a plan to catch up, but they had a feeling I wasn’t in a good space and reached out. That meant the world to me. We chatted about many things; sometimes, when you’re depressed, you don’t want it to be the center of the conversation. When we discussed my feelings, I felt heard and cared for. Knowing that they are there and that we can discuss our lives and thoughts without my current mental state being the sole topic of discussion elevated my mood. It also helps me to know that a few people know me well enough to glean that I’m not in a good way just by reading a few texts.
You can also ask people how depression impacts them so that, as a friend, you can better understand what they’re going through. You don’t have to wait for them to be in the midst of an episode to bring it up. It’s okay to say, “I know you’re in a good space now, but is there anything I should know so that when you’re not feeling well, I can be supportive?” When someone is depressed, ask them if they want a hug or to have their hand held — touch can be a tonic -but don’t assume that’s what they want. If you want to get them flowers or take them out to dinner, consider what they would like, not what you would like under the same circumstances.
I don’t think of depression as a battle — it’s a struggle that I try to live with and, at times, use as a superpower. I think it’s given me greater empathy, and I’ve learned to use it as a gut check to see if I’m in a situation or around people who make me feel bad. There are certain behaviors I used to tolerate, hoping that the way the other person or people were acting would blow over, but I don’t do that any longer. One red flag, and I’m done. My social circle is not as big as it once was, and I’m okay with that because the quality of my time spent with others is immeasurably better. Over the last few days, I spent time with friends I love and colleagues I enjoy, and I avoided putting myself in situations where I risked getting hurt.
This said, I can’t talk to everyone I love about my mental health struggles. I think this rings true for others, especially when it comes to family, but also certain friends. Some people just don’t get it or will never stop running their mouths before opening their ears or judging. I accept that this is a part of who they are and that they are not people I will turn to when I’m not in a great headspace. That doesn’t mean I can’t have them in my life, but sometimes I’m better off limiting contact.
If you know someone going through a mental health crisis, big or small, let them know you are there for them, but, to reiterate, let them do the talking if they feel like it. Sometimes, knowing someone is in the room or on the other end of a call is enough. If they say they’d rather stay home and hang out with the cat (that would be me), don’t force it. But sending a text to see how they’re doing can mean more than you realize.
You should take people’s sadness seriously, whether or not they seem suicidal, because depressed people often benefit from constructive human connection. But don’t assume that just because someone is despondent or has suicidal ideation, they plan on killing themselves. Freaking out that someone you know might try to end their life might make them not want to be around you. Spend more time being a more supportive friend, relative, or partner.
If someone seems suicidal, you can and should make sure they know about the available resources and see if they need help accessing services. However, if a person is at the precipice of ending their life, I doubt there is a poem or pep talk that will help. They need trained professionals. If a person is in a lot of pain, be it physical or mental anguish, and they haven’t found relief, they have a right to choose death. You might not understand and suffer from the loss, but it is their choice, and telling them that they’ll end up in hell or regret it in the last instance before they transition will not change a thing.
What matters most is how you show up for people when they’re alive. To quote Tanya Tucker, “Bring my flowers now while I’m living. I won’t need your love when I’m gone.” So, if someone you care about is depressed, listen, let them know that they matter to you, the reasons why, and why this world is a better place for you with them in it. That’s how you make someone feel seen, heard and loved.
Mental Health Resources:
If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call or text 988 or chat 988lifeline.org.
